right, man.

-via WarmingGlow

Hulk v. Bear. Hulk Smash.

For always

-via Julia Segal

Bat Cat, Simply executed brilliance

-via DailyWhat

Seagal is a Mean Dude

via FilmDrunk

Origin of the slammed .gif

Pandtastically dun.

-via Warming Glow

He knows.

-via Werttrew

50 Cent and His Injured Puppy, Oprah, Hangin' Out, Shopping for Guns Online

"Dawg got capped. Oprah's out for revenge."
-Other dog

-via JuliaSegal

Slammed

 

-via JuliaSegal

Well-dressed Monkey Ridin' a Supergoat

Yeah. It's that.

Heath Ledger could skateboard, and this photo is real. And other disappointing lost talents.

Be sure to read the caption. Winner!

Obligatory awesomeness

Thataboy.

(via BadPostCards)

More reasons to fear the old ones

SHARKKNIFE

Aw, shit, not this now...

(via BoingBoing)

Yeah, that's true.

(via GammaSquad)

Microsoft's best feat to date

Get it?

WHAT IS GOING ON?!

The depths of internet advertising are beginning to terrify.

Seriously, stop.

Fukkayu Whale!

South African couples yacht gets d-d-d-dominated by a humpback.

The Greatest Exterminator

Float like a butterfly. Take the fall like a roach.

d-Con Power.

(via UpNorthTrips)

If you see something, say something.

OH SWEET JESUS, NO!!

The police blotter doesn't miss a beat.

(via BuzzFeed)

Meep.

(via MonsterMadeofEyes)

Accuracy, with an RPG

(via JuliaSegal)

Teabag'dd

Drink dat nutjuice, sucka. Pinkies out, bitch.

(via FilmDrunk)

It's cannabalism or nuthin'

Masta Killa of the Wu Tang Clan is a proud vegetarian.

Masta Killa... will not kill animals for food.

Amata Killa.

World Domination

LET THEM PROCREATE!


(via Brad Neely)

You can't be serious.

"What an asshole..."
-Owl P. Wingington

(via Julia Segal)

This is bad good.

(via Ou est la cavaliere?)

OMFG, Full-On Double Rainbow. Full-On Double Crazy Man.

(via Boing Boing)

Barakarate Dojobama: President This!

"Cruise Missiles can't defeat my Airbending Powers, Osama. How do you like the taste of WIND?!"
-Barack Obama, State of the Union 2034

For torture, press lightly. For genocide, press harder.

Not street legal.

(via Buzzfeed)

A Professional. A Hero.

(via Uproxx)

More please.

Blockhead's "The Music Scene"

"The Music Scene" from Anthony Francisco Schepperd on Vimeo.

(via the Daily What)

Method Acting

(via Videogum/Buzzfeed)

What more can you ask for?

(via Bad Post Cards)

This is everywhere, so it must be here. Sexman the Geologist.

Robomuppets like it ruff

HAHAHA.



(via Urlesque)

Vehicular Pig Slaughter....delicious

One part chopper. One part grill. All parts tasty.

Take to the skies, on the back of a Squirtle

Huh?

(via Unreality)

GERMANY.

help.

them.



(via EpicPonyz)

Oil Spill Solution...FOUND

And Robodolphin wasn't thought of before, because...?

Tron is real.

Okay, so it's installation art, but still...

ENVISION : Step into the sensory box from SUPERBIEN on Vimeo.

Fair trade

One baby, two beers.



Lafffffssss.

(via Arbroath)

Bam! Woo! Yeah!

-via Unreality

Post #101

Time flies when you're not doing anything productive at all and co-opting other people's creations for the amusement of a small group of acquaintances and the slim hope of briefly inflating your ego.

Cheers.

Silly dog thinks he's farting...heh

Wrong. Bad Hollywood, BAD.

(via EverythingisTerrible)

LL Cool J will curl your panties off

http://www.tvsquad.com/2010/05/13/ll-cool-j-curls-the-ladies-of-the-view-video/

Guacamole

Let's go!

The Wu-hoo!

http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2010/05/rza_now_orson_welles_basically.html

RZA's gonna direct a mid-budget Kung Fu flick. YES.

Eat it, Jesus.

Liquid Mountaineering is a dumb name. But these dudes can seriously run on water. Why not Christwalking? or, uh, Lordsprinting?



I want to see Usain Bolt try this. I bet he could clear a lake.

Re-blogging to emphasize how incredulous I am at reading this...

The runt kid from "Two and a Half Men" (a.k.a. Dumbcrack and Methfart with Child: America's Story) makes 250 LARGE for each episode of that show.

TWO-HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS PER EPISODE.

21 EPISODES PER SEASON.

That's 5 MILLION, 250 THOUSAND DOLLARS PER SEASON.

See here: http://warmingglow.uproxx.com/2010/05/250000-an-episode

Has anyone ever been more undeserving of such riches?

I'll take a clever scam artist in Madoff over this schmucky brewster.

UGH!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

So happy someone else took the time to do this: MAXIMUM OVERLOADDDDD

Made from the finest Jesuses.

(via FilmDrunk)

It's gonna be otay.

Barfstick, extra wrinkles

Stuff white people bury.

I didn't ask for it, but I got the best trailer and movie for my un-birthday. Featuring Knifewhip

Can't embed it, but check the video out in this link. Take that, America.



http://www.aintitcool.com/node/44943

Mad Scientists with Weather Machines are Right Around the Corner!

Yes, we can change the weather with lasers.

Again, that's thunderstorms via laser.

Laserstorms.

LASERSTORMS!?

See here: http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn18848-laser-creates-clouds-over-germany.html

So completely boSSome...

This "promo" for Iron Man 2 outdoes itself outdoing itself outdone. WHOOSH! The technique is projection mapping, but I ain't never seen it done like this.


ACDC Vs Iron Man 2 - Architectural Projection Mapping on Rochester Castle from seeper on Vimeo.

pendrummachineman

(via EpicPonyz)

Want list item #1:

http://www.wired.com/gadgetlab/2010/04/helicam-combines-toy-helicopter-and-camera-for-hd-videos/

ENTER CAR VIA DREAM

I had to.

Assholes.

(via The Daily What)

Take it easy, Satan.

(via Everything is Terrible. I <3 them.)

I <3 them actually looks like I am less than 3 of them. Which I am, so DOUBLE TRUE!

Giraffes use their heads like Medieval Ball and Chain Weapons

Bam. Bam. Whap. Bam.



(via All That's Interesting)

Fuckin-A This is Depressing, Making me Anxious

THE TOP 25 PSYCHIATRIC PRESCRIPTIONS FOR 2009:

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2010/top-25-psychiatric-prescriptions-for-2009/

And the winner is chemical dependency reactive to an inability to deal with the chaos of life!

Oh the places we'll go...

(via BoingBoing)

Brazil's Government is Horny

Brazil's health minister wants Brazilians bang each other more to...avoid illness?

"People need to be active. A weekend football game must not be the only physical activity for a Brazilian. Adults need to do exercise: walk, dance and have safe sex," said Jose Gomes Temporao

The argument is that it's a good way to stay in shape. And he does advise that it be safe. So, that's smart.

Anyway, I love this guy for making it a formal proclamation. Obama could learn a few things.

Here's the whole article:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/southamerica/brazil/7637074/Brazilians-told-to-have-more-sexual-intercourse-to-avoid-illness.html

(via Arbroath)

For Your Gaming Pleasure

Don't get no better dan dis, mate.

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/534416

What should have maybe just been a Tribute to Bill Murray and Short Circuit

(via FilmDrunk)

This inspires me to make similar song/clip/rhyming sync-ups. It doesn't seem all that hard (though still not easy). Just search famous movie and TV quotes, find the rhyming ones, set it to the beat of your choice and blammo McDamn-O --- you've got yourself a hit.

Okay, it's probably a lot more difficult than that.

Just a maze. Try it.

So easy, right?

(via TheDailyWhat)

How to gain your teacher's respect without real intelligence...

Ugh...this one hurts.


Winning the Game of School from Airwave Ranger on Vimeo.

(via EverythingisTerrible)

SEC looking at Porn, Not as Bad as doing Coke in Front of Children

Though the SEC has been caught sticky-handed, among other things, we can all rest assured that they will never be as bad as Buddha, who refuses to stop doing lines in front of the little ones.

Ingenious Thief Exploits Stereotypes... Not cool

Some white guy wore a movie-quality mask of a black man and robbed 4 banks (and one CVS!!!) all over Ohio without consequence. Nobody thought it was him until they matched his car and found all the money with him in a hotel room, along with the mask.

The story here: http://www.abcactionnews.com/content/news/local/pinellas/south/story/Cops-Seminole-man-robbed-banks-wearing-Hollywood/GmraSF2q8kK2fErj8LXLeQ.cspx

The mask is called "The Player"  and is worth upwards of $600, I suppose for its level of realism.

CHECK THIS SHIT OUT: http://www.spfxmasks.com/maskplayer.html

Creepy. Advertised as looking like Ving Rhames. Reminds me more of this guy, the evil dude from the Friday line of films:

This seems like it would work, like, a lot. If other robbers become hip to this, how are we ever gonna know who's taking what? If crime syndicates are all masked men of different races, we're all screwed.

Now, if only you had a Go-Go Gadget car... or perhaps a nondescript bike. How would you trace crime if you had zero assurance of the appearance of who's actually committing the crime?

"Be on the look out for a Hispanic man with a goatee in his forties who also might be a 15 year-old blonde white kid."

Of course, this was an especially clever ploy because cops in Ohio largely assume that 30-something black men are committing all the crime as it is.

RACISMILLUSION!!

And now -- (smoke bomb) -- I'm Black!

The Headline that Should Have Been a Joke

This from the Huffington Post:

Tiger Woods Parties At Nickelback Concert In Orlando

The article here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/04/21/tiger-woods-parties-at-ni_n_545760.html


I could not in 50 attempts come up with better elements for a headline if the game was 1) Pick a Celebrity, 2) Pick a Function for him/her to attend, and 3) Pick a location.

This could also easily be substituted with Douche Parties At Douchebag Concert in Doucheville.

God Returns

Everything is right again.

(via BuzzFeed)

America needs more Japanese TV, less Law and Order and CSI

Binocular Soccer and the best simple thing people can do on camera for money.



PAH!



More. Go go go. More. Yes. Always.

Obligatory

DUI Barbie

Drunk Brit gets 3-year ban from driving, because he plays with dolls' (cars).

Paul Hutton is a girly girl wuss puss. Rightly punished. (Not). I would totally do this.

http://www.neatorama.com/2010/04/19/man-loses-license-after-drunk-driving-in-barbie-toy-car/

Nick Cage to Star in Next Mummy Sequel, As Mummy

Bradon Frasier, move over. Rage Cage is here to bash your face in. From the grave!

TMZ reports that Nicholas Cage has just purchased a pyramid tomb in New Orleans to be enshrined in upon his death. Mummy Cage will likely win the best actor Oscar in 2039.

The proof is here (in pudding form):
http://www.tmz.com/2010/04/15/nic-cage-tomb-w/

Oh yes. It's Godzilla.

Let's all watch again. I miss these production values.

(via BoingBoing)

"Welcome to the party, have a seat, won't you?"

"No, really, it's okay, I'll just stand."

--"But I insist..."

"No, I'm fine. Really. All good here. I prefer standing, honestly."

--"Take a load off. You're my guest after all."

"I'm just gonna stand."

--"SIT ON THE FUCKING GUNCHAIR!"

Dear Santa, give me this. I'll trade you cookies.

PET KANGAROOS.



(via Buzzfeed)

Oh right, this is the website I meant to make.

Granddad always said beware of the viral digital publicity of Japan-based Indian restaurants. If only I had heeded his words. Now, I'm stuck in a perpetual durrrzz.

Break your eyes with this blast.

http://www.homehaveli.jp/

(via arbroath)

CGI is for this, not giant robots or blue aliens

Even if it is for a Zima-like product, this is REAL advertisement.

Show the things we want to see next to your product.

That's all you have to do.

Show a grizzly bear snowboarding. A raptor skydiving.

An giant octopus in a gladiator battle.

Whatever. It works. 

Unusual 2nd Robot Post of the Day, but STOP IT ASIA!

Japan makes hyper-realistic mimicry robots.

Time to hide under the bed foreverrrrr.....so cold.



(via GammaSquad)

Robosamuraiwaiter, your new bestie.

At a restaurant in Thailand, your food is delivered by a dough-eyed, humble, dancing... ROBOSAMURAI!!!!



This upbeat music really downplays the fact that this thing of wonder could slice you thrice before you can say, "Fuckin' A, I just got beasted by a Robosamurai, how did I not see this coming?!"

At least, when you're body is made into tomorrow's broth, you'll know your death won't go without a ritualistic dance to commemorate your absence.

-asiahomeofthecrazy

Science Proves: Fatties gonna Fat

http://cbs2chicago.com/watercooler/rats.food.addiction.2.1597432.html

Research shows that fat people (rats) will continue to make themselves fatter despite personal harms. This is not a shock, and the same goes for any drug use. Even when uncomfortable electric shocks were applied as punishment for eating junk food over healthy food, the rats (humanoids) always chose the junk food.

"Give me Krispy Kreme or give me Death."
-Rat Fat Bastard

Today is Friday

April fools, doodyhead.

Worst holiday. Pranks are supposed to be unpredictable.

Mummy says, "Gimme the burger, bub, or it's stabbin' time."

A mummy, or well, er, man dressed poorly as a mummy tried to rob a Mickey D's.

Here's this:

http://www.myfoxatlanta.com/dpps/news/dpgonc-man-charged-with-bizarre-mcdonald%27s-robbery-km-20100328_6785392

When questioned of his motives, he had this to say, "MRrrruummmphhhrrrmmmmrrruuuhhhh.... Brandon Frasier....mrrrumphuhhh"

In other news, all vampires are rapists.

Frapoleon Douche-o-mite

http://warmingglow.uproxx.com/2010/03/to-be-fair-he-is-jon-heder

This mucks up things good for my coworkers, and by the trickle down effect, me. We had high hopes for this project. Now, no hope. We need Obama on the case. I'm very curious about the specifics of his qualms. I need to know more.

George Costanza Wants You To Lose Weight With Him AND JENNY CRAIG

I'm sure he'll figure out a way to do it so that you're doing all the work while he sleeps with the cleaning lady, but what the fuck is going on here:



Does this make Jason Alexander the male Kirstie Alley? No? Does it?

What is happening to the formerly heavenly beings of Seinfeld?

Racist Kramer? The Marriage Ref? Now this?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, hold it together. You're clearly the most stable minded of the bunch. Start dating Keith Hernandez again, just to be sure. Mustaches are made of wisdom.

P.S. Why did they feel the need to green screen in a random sunny living room? Could they really not shoot this in a real random sunny living room? If you're gonna use that technique, at least put a sasquatch behind the guy. Also, this music makes me want to vomit.

Some French Dude got Arrested for hacking Obama's Twitter Account

So, apparently, this French 24 year-old who lives with his parents just got arrested for "hacking" a number of celebrity accounts, most notably President Obama's.

Oddly, outside of Obama, the two other noteworthy celebs he went after were Britney Spears and... Lily Allen?

The article here: http://www.google.com/hostednews/ukpress/article/ALeqM5iel1ijAVZo8b1w2qitviymY9mYcQ

Now, I don't quite understand how this sad shlub really warrants an arrest. I know that it is wrong to hack on principle of law, but this guy was clearly just bored on the internet like so many overweight, lonely suburbanites living with their parents, and he decided it would be a fun game for himself, albeit an illegal one. I don't see any malicious intent here. If there's anything suspicious here, it's the odd collection of people he tried to hack. Like, what? Where do your fascinations lie, you dirty frenchman? I can say dirty with confidence because 87% of the time, 24 year-olds who live with their parents do not maintain good hygiene.

That said, if you are going to hack the President's Twitter account, at least have some fun with it. Start some feuds and slander the heck out of some random and not so random people. Hit the people with huge egos first. Kanye would not take lightly to Obama slamming him publicly. Nor would Kutcher. Pick out an entirely random white girl and go after her, hard - tell her she's the reason for all the world's problems and that legislation is on the way to make sure she gets punished thoroughly. Hit on one of Tiger's mistresses. Hit on Tiger. Tell Phil Jackson you fantasize about him while meditating. Tell PETA that recent discoveries show that all the world's energy crises can be solved with puppy-kitty smoothies. Tell Sarkozy you want to do a wifeswap next time you're in town. The possibilities of social chaos are limitless. Oh the joy.

Instead, he didn't exploit his time and ended up doing regular boring hack things like the regular boring hacker he is.

Ugh, get a sense of humor already, world.

Jake Gyllenhaal was Bubble Boy

Not that he has had the most impressive acting career or anything, but I totally forgot that he was this guy:

HA!

Wine-o Porn-o

THE CELEBRITY GUIDE TO WINE
Uploaded by everythingisterrible. - Click for more funny videos.

(via Everything is Terrible)

-segalsegalsegalWHOOPI

The terrorists almost won.

America will not stand... in line for the bus... while getting peed on.... and not do something about it... for 3 months.

R.Kelly has inspired the wrong folks this time.

Not re-re-blogging this would be a disservice to the godternet.

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: Ben Stiller from Between Two Ferns

Best Light House Attendant in an Animated Short

-benstillerfaggot69@verizon.net

Soldier Who Now Sees with Tongue To Become Massive Perv

This news story about an Iraq War soldier who went blind from an explosion has been circulating the net all day. The news is that he is the first tester of a new technology, called BrainPort, which allows him to now "see" by interpreting images observed through video camera goggles and translating them into electronic tingles on a lollypop-like object.

"The device works by converting visual images into a series of electrical pulses that are relayed to the tongue. The differing strengths and patterns of the tingles can be interpreted to build up a picture of surroundings and enable users to navigate around objects."

The rest of the article here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2010/mar/15/blind-soldier-tongue-sight

This is a triumph for the disabled everywhere. Craig Lundberg will be able to navigate his environment once more. Wonderful! Brilliant! Yadda, yadda, yadda. Here's what's really going down.

If Craig Lundberg is like most men, then I assume he won't just be looking at trees, chairs, and donuts and getting the shape of those things to tingle up his tongue. No, my wager is that this dude is about to get away with a whole lot of booby-staring. No woman is going to think that a humble blind fellow is ogling her chest longingly. How wrong they'll be, though. This guy is about to get a mouthful of robonipple.

Don't get me wrong, having gone blind while in service for the military deserves even higher reward. The British government might as well grant him a loose woman for his troubles. But since prostitution is still illegal (although politicians don't seem to have any problems courting them), this was the next best gift they could have given Craig.

Imagine, every time you stare at something, you feel its electronic imprint on your tongue.

Okay, so actual vision is way, way better. Still, Craig's gotta be thankful for this one.

The Second Coming. And the third. And now I need new pants.

I'm not quite sure how I hadn't caught wind of this fellow earlier, but I'm sold to infinity. I'm not sure someone this genuinely cool has graced society in a LONG ASS TIME.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Reggie Watts:









I could go forever. I am entirely captured by his presence and production. And hair.

Advertising 101: Find the smooth-talking man with a mustache and a cape

Need to advertise?

Employ Lando to promote your product or service. Why? Because victory.

Colt 45, the malt liquor, has done something I felt they should have been doing the whole time. The brand has reignited its marketing campaign featuring Billy Dee Williams, and as far as I'm concerned, it's the most brilliant promotional move anyone could ever pull (outside of featuring a bear with lightning powers, see here: http://hatforbrains.blogspot.com/2010/02/take-note-everyone-if-you-want-to.html).

I saw this banner ad, and thought... No Way, like, OMG. Get out of townz.

And then, I went to the featured promotional website, and it just gets better and better and better.

You see, Colt 45 used to employ Lando years ago. In the days when your parents did drugs.

See this:


And then, he went away for awhile to pursue more artful but less badass projects.

He re-emerged as a 45 spokesperson in the early nineties to produce this gem:


But then, they dropped him outright as a spokesperson, and bottles of Colt 45 everywhere slowly collected dust as other brands of malt liquor and beer snatched the limelight from under them.

It took them awhile, but they're back, baby! In full form. Someone at an agency somewhere knows what they're doing.

Seriously. Lando is the best man for any job. Unless that job is staying loyal to Han Solo.

I want to start a small business or invent a product for the sole purpose of spending all of our marketing budget on Billy Dee. He is a modern day Jeebus.

Addendum: REAL: Billy Dee Williams is also a painter. His self-portrait is in the Smithsonian. He is SO awesome (though his paintings leave something to be desired). See: http://www.bdwworldart.com/

Alcohol with no Hangover? Next thing you'll tell me is STDs and pregnancy are urban legend.

Not the most reputable source, but if this goes mass-market, I'd say human efficiency increases at least two-fold.

http://www.brobible.com/Story/114626

-boozefordinner

Because we're all masochists at heart

 

"Not all teen pregnancies are unplanned"... some are just concocted as a social scheme by an overly influential clique of dumb whores.

I will barf on thee.

Lifetime - Television for **the sound of diarrhea**

-yagonandunitnow

"Apparently, he didn't like chicken."

Mad cow disease's latest victim.

-AMERICAftw

Ashton Kutcher to the O.R.

You thought you were coming in for regular plastic surgery, didn't you? So why was the surgeon wearing a Von Dutch trucker hat? And why was Dax Shepard there? So megapunk'd, you don't even know.

http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/staten_island/si_woman_suit_over_botched_breasts_jTPK1FtRUBhLNDd4egjVUI

Lindsay Lohan is having a party in your honor.

-2boobs2many

The aliens will come. And they will win us over with pancakes.

When advertising thought it would be a strong move to hit the acid-tripping demo.

-justforthefunofit

(via BuzzFeed)

Dag Nabbit

I knew there was something(s) wrong with me.

http://www.asylum.com/2010/03/01/men-with-high-iq-are-more-monogamous/

What the latter half of "hotchickswithpuppies.com" will feature

Dogs win at everything.

(via Boing Boing)

Because duh

Your New Wedding Gift

Hover, fly, and be thankful you have a friend like me.

Details of pricing here: http://www.trademe.co.nz/Trade-Me-Motors/Boats-marine/Motorboats/auction-274622678.htm

(via Arbroath)

Just when I was about to give up on government, TOTAL REDEMPTION

Oh that's right... Utah is for deciders.

Mormons hate it so much when babies die, they'll soon arrest you if yours accidentally chokes on a pretzel while in your womb.

SEE HERE:
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/utah-women-may-face-murder-charges-after-miscarriages-1913019.html

So to get this straight (because that's how they'd have it) the Mormons are about to penalize More Moms for being Mor-ons. Say that ten times fast without hurting your child.

Now that's what I call BIG love.

And twins!!!

Or in drag.


Every time I laugh at these videos, I know I am a bad person.

A video with zero distinguishing features: Inappropriate to comment

Dairy Queen FTW

Dairy Queen has unleashed its famous frozen treat all over the East coast's rigid face. A blizzard has bitchsmacked NYC and many other less important places and continues to do so. And unlike the company's advertising has long implied would happen, there was no creepy, gravelly-voiced faceless mouth warning us of our icy bludgeoning. And I didn't even get to finish my seasoned curlies.

While it is uncomfortably cold and fierce out there, the chunks of Reese's cups and Oreo cookies strewn about the sidewalk are a welcome addition.

Here's hoping the next weather pattern headed our way comes in the form of P'Zones.

Dildo, Canada is a real place.

I don't need to make jokes about this.

For a virtual tour of Dildo, visit this site:
http://www.virtual-tours-newfoundland.ca/Dildo/dildo.html

There's also a dildo harbour, a place whose sign I would love to take a picture of your mother underneath.

Dildo is known for its fisheries and whaling. How does reality do this?

"Every year Dildo celebrates Canada Day and our own Traditional Dildo Days. These events are held on the swimming pool grounds where there are many activities, such as games, swimming, hot dogs, cold plates, and much more. As you can see Dildo is a very historic and traditional community."


Come on. Really? 

Hummer, bummer

The blaring symbol of American indulgence is about to die. The Hummer, G.M.'s publicly available take on the military's Humvee will be no more.

The New York Times reports here: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/25/business/25hummer.html?hp

While its demise will be largely positive, as it will help out with this whole "global warming" thing, which means a long deserved relief from people whining so much -- "Oh no, the polar bears!", "Oh no, the penguins!", "Oh no, I'm sweaty!"-- it is very much not good for dudes everywhere with small penises.

Yes.  There is a new crisis on hand.  Men with zero taste, lots of money, and tiny wieners are about to find themselves in a very uncomfortable place, a place where they cannot easily dupe women with zero taste (also read: brains), mediocre looks, and little money into sexual relations by using the line "Heh...you ever give a hummer in a hummer?"


These men need some form of instant compensation for their cursed predicaments. The Hummer was a long-standing stopgap to prevent these men from going postal or becoming politicians. Now, we've got a quagmire that's about to blow up in our face if someone doesn't soon introduce a similar physical representation of overblown testosterone. And I don't mean this:

 

Dick pants: not a viable replacement.

Scientists, go now. Invent feverishly. We do not want these man taking their frustrations out on the rest of us. 

-aninconvenienttruth

Free Comedy of the Week: Missing Boner

So, like, you guys...

Obviously, missing person cases are no laughing matter, especially when the victim is a cute child or a celebrity. I mean, we wouldn't have television cop dramas devoted to them if they weren't serious. Really though, antics aside - it's not funny. I wouldn't want someone close to me to go missing. The lingering sadness of that very real mystery would be an awful thing to bear.

But... when the missing person just happened to play a character on Growing Pains named Boner... it's definitely kinda funny.

See this: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/02/21/andrew-koenig-missing-bon_n_470572.html

You just don't get to see the word boner in national headlines often enough, and though it may be in reference to a grave matter... I can't help laughing when I read about this.

Kirk Cameron had this to say:

"Mike and Boner could always work things out when they put their minds to it. I'm praying for you, pal. Hope to hear from you soon." (via People Magazine)

So maybe this is really insensitive and immature, but Mike needs his Boner back if his acting career is ever going to pull itself out of the trenches.

In some ways, we all need Boner back.

-insensitiveahole

I mean, this is just cool. Futurtainment.

Neurosonics Live from Chris Cairns on Vimeo.

Not exactly sure how they pull this one off, but that is a megahot, sick jam, bro. Technology is the future. And children. Children are the future. Children who use technology are the future. Technology children are the future.

GAMEBOYS, BRO!

-kicksnarehead

Anthony Bourdain has NO RESERVATIONS about taking hallucinogens for the entertainment of his children

I hope the new season of No Reservations has Bourdain followed around by this crew. Want to democratize the Middle East, threaten them with a rye-humored chain smoker trailed by monstrous, chemically enlarged toys. This is what real freedom looks like.

Tootie doesn't fuck around... once she feels better.

(via Buzzfeed)

-bourdainhasballs

John Mayer is a musician, massive douche, and...STANDUP COMEDIAN?

It's well established that John Mayer hails from Doucheton, MO, but I am a bit surprised to find that he A) does standup and B) is somehow marginally funny. I mean, he's not legitimately, full-blown funny, and my body aches when I think that I may be compelled to enjoy anything he produces, but I'm hard pressed to say he's sub-Larry The Cable Guy status. Larry's got some things going for him, but none of them are humor. He's an even tempered, jovial fellow that regular folks can relate to -- I get it. What I don't get is why millions of people will pay $40 (a lot of money for Nebraskans) for a ticket to show up at a stadium to hear him talk for an hour about that time he got drunk at Universal Studios.

Anyway, this video. It doesn't compute either. Also, this isn't made apparent in the video, but this takes place on a cruise ship (because John Mayer doesn't want to tarnish his sterling music career on land).

-internationalwaters

Doesn't jive with the theme here, but wowza.

Rube Goldberg - Contraption - LE best
by e-boueur

(via Neatorama)

Kirsten Dunst makes career choices for a living. Directed by McG!!!

McG, you will always have my respect. Not only because you've shortened your name from Joseph McGinty Nichol to the far classier brandfranchise of McG, which also sounds like the most badass McDonald's sandwich ever, but because you did this to this woman... perfectly explainable. People do this. Flawless.

THROW ON SOME FUCKIN' REAL JAMZ, BRO!

Kirsten Dunst & McG's 'Akihabara Majokko
by allbrice


Kirsten, you just became a de facto Japanese overlord. If you go back to Japan, you will inevitably be abducted and made to do these things permanently at the praise of millions. You're on timeout.

"Turning Japanese" is also not just offensive in its blatant stereotyping, but that aside, the song is a well-known hamfisted metaphor about the ol' whack n' splooge.

I really don't know what to make of this. It's like some surrealist tease for Japan's entire male population (who is oddly sexually fixated with the image of school girls and innocence, particularly of the animated sort). Kirsten has gone and made herself into the icon of desire for a nation.

On the flip side, this may just be the most lucrative international venture that McG or Kirsten Dunst will ever be a part of. And for that, it is tough to fault them. Creative integrity falls flat in the face of billionaire Japanese investors - and it's not like these two had a long way to the bottom before.

-spidertobymaguire

A show DEFINITELY worth watching...

I know I'm behind the times in writing about this, but QUALITY:

http://www.tvokay.com/redir4.php?l=aHR0cDovL3ZpZGVvb25jbGljay5jb20vQ2FydG9vbnMvZXBpc29kZUV4dC5waHA/aWQ9MTEyJnNlYXNvbj0xJmVwaXNvZGU9MDQ=

Campbell's: Newest Entry in the Mind Control Business

 

The above photo is via The Wall Street Journal, and it is point-by-point breakdown of Campbell's soup's new can redesign, which was carefully crafted after intensive market research that scrutinized neurological and bodily reactions.


This qualifies as legitimate mind control, because people's thoughts on the product were broken down to such a level that the absolutely ideal label for today's generation was made. It is a very notable upgrade when you compare it to the old standard, and I have to be honest, the steam rising from the bowl does provoke a very visceral reaction. I'm actually hungry having looked at that picture, and I ate not that long ago.


This is just not fair. Obesity in America is never going to vanish (not that I had any real hope) if sub-healthy products continue to portray themselves in such glorious light. I know that marketing techniques like this are not really a new thing, but this just clarifies corporate America's ability to warp our insights into their products into something inescapably desirable. Just look at it... so... nice... warm... soft... delicious...


GIVE ME THE SOUP, SHIT-HEAD! I'LL STEAL YO' BABY!

Sorry, what just happened? Was I in a coma?

I've gotta get me some updated bowls.

I know it's time consuming, but peoplez gotta learn how to cook. Microwaves and frozen or canned foods are enablers, super-discounted one-way tickets to fatsville (Kevin Smith, you're not invited) - and when paired with 3 days worth of HBO On-Demand, slipping into a hydrogenated oil-soaked death bed never sounded so.... easy.

-nosoupforyou

That about sums it up.

This is how women are dealt with. The man in the pants is certainly very charismatic. The Penis is Bush. The Heart is Obama. And the Brain is not involved with politics.

Kel Mitchell (of Kenan's fame) is not an aborted corpse addicted to crack, despite popular belief. Instead, he's become this equally sad character.

Someone needs to save this man from himself. Kel had big dreams, like most child stars, but his seemed almost within reach. He even got a spin-off at the ripe age of 14.

I know that his comedic compatriot, Kenan, always had the stronger chops (as exemplified by his regular decent presence on the often decent SNL these days), but I didn't think this is what would be left of our pal. He's clinging to those days of old, and I can't be sure that "Orange Soda Boy" is going to be a real cartoon or just the looping fantasy of a man with nothing left.

That said, it appears, from further investigating his youtube page, that Kel was cast in a real movie that wasn't an animated remake of Goodburger featuring Mike, aka "The Burger Phantom". It seems the lad actually was a part of something with substance, acting alongside Danny Glover in "Honeydippers", which you can look up yourself. Point being: there's hope. Then again, his Wikipedia page reveals Kel is getting into the writer/producer game by launching a movie called "Chicago Pulaski Jones", which he will also star in. Yeah. It turns out he's also really good at naming movies.

Kel for President 2020.

-grapesodaman

Heroes have fear too. Heroes have fear too.

I love seeing these people interact on a regular, ol' (private, fancy) plane (jet) just being typical, simple, plain, normal (brilliant, hilarious, magnificent, made of god's laughter) Americans (one of 'em is).

Seriously, Louis's meltdown is priceless.

-spraypaintonafuckintit

"You only live once" is bad advice for thrillseekers.

You only die once too. Dumbass.

Blackwater Hires Prostitutes As "Legitimate" Business Expense Using Government Coin -- Elliot Spitzer Absolved

These are parts of a real news story in the Washington Post:

"Two former employees of Blackwater Worldwide have accused the private security contractor of defrauding the government for years with phony billing, including charging for a prostitute, alcohol and spa trips."

"The Davises assert that Blackwater officials kept a Filipino prostitute on the company payroll for a State Department contract in Afghanistan, and billed the government for her time working for Blackwater male employees in Kabul. The alleged prostitute's salary was categorized as part of the company's "Morale Welfare Recreation" expenses"

More here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/02/11/AR2010021100232.html?hpid=topnews

RULES NO LONGER EXIST. If a government contracted company (no less, one paid to fight in a war we actually want no part of) can legitimize having a Filipino hooker on staff, then we are now able to do whatever the fuck we want. End of story.

If this is let slide, the future business I intend to run is going to have a whole host of things devoted to "Morale Welfare Recreation". In fact, I might go as far as to have 50% of my staff be Filipino whores. Have you seen what they can do with ping pong balls?! Otherworldly.

Furthermore, when half your staff is hookers and their job is simply to satisfy the rest of the staff, you'll never have morale issues on hand, you'll never lose a good male employee to a better paying situation (because men will take a solid beej over a fistfull of cash 99% of the time), and you'll never have to deal with sexual harassment lawsuits ever again! World, you may now rejoice!

Okay, so it puts all women out of a job unless they attempt to compete, but that sounds pretty righteous too.

Okay, so as not to be entirely prejudiced, maybe we'll offer Chip n'dales dancers for the ladies.

What a happy company it could be--

The wait is over. SHARK v. KILLER WHALE: The Real Super Bowl

I knew this was possible, but no one had ever documented it until now. Personally, I think this is irrefutable evidence that the dawn of next-squared generation entertainment is upon us. The time has come to breed Great Whites and Orcas, mount weapons on their dorsal fins (including but not limited to: circular saws, harpoons, and spring-loaded boxing gloves) and let them extreme duel as mother nature intended. Of course, this spectacle must not go without the orchestration of out-of-this-world laser light shows, John Williams conducting the London Philharmonic on a stage alongside a newly constructed super-reinforced megatank placed inside THE HYPERDOME (seats 2 miilion), which of course is located in the heart of Times Square. For those who can't get their seaworthy bloodthirst live, sixty camera coverage (including POVs of the combatants) of non-stop access and analysis will be featured on a 24-hour, dedicated, pay-per-view television network called H2Ownd.

This will likely eliminate AIDS, Global Warming, and ugly with the tremendous awesomevibes it will emit throughout the galaxy.

The future is now.

-welcometopwntown