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Dairy Queen has unleashed its famous frozen treat all over the East coast's rigid face. A blizzard has bitchsmacked NYC and many other less important places and continues to do so. And unlike the company's advertising has long implied would happen, there was no creepy, gravelly-voiced faceless mouth warning us of our icy bludgeoning. And I didn't even get to finish my seasoned curlies.
While it is uncomfortably cold and fierce out there, the chunks of Reese's cups and Oreo cookies strewn about the sidewalk are a welcome addition.
Here's hoping the next weather pattern headed our way comes in the form of P'Zones.
Dildo, Canada is a real place.
I don't need to make jokes about this.
For a virtual tour of Dildo, visit this site:
http://www.virtual-tours-newfoundland.ca/Dildo/dildo.html
There's also a dildo harbour, a place whose sign I would love to take a picture of your mother underneath.
Dildo is known for its fisheries and whaling. How does reality do this?
"Every year Dildo celebrates Canada Day and our own Traditional Dildo Days. These events are held on the swimming pool grounds where there are many activities, such as games, swimming, hot dogs, cold plates, and much more. As you can see Dildo is a very historic and traditional community."
Come on. Really?
For a virtual tour of Dildo, visit this site:
http://www.virtual-tours-newfoundland.ca/Dildo/dildo.html
There's also a dildo harbour, a place whose sign I would love to take a picture of your mother underneath.
Dildo is known for its fisheries and whaling. How does reality do this?
"Every year Dildo celebrates Canada Day and our own Traditional Dildo Days. These events are held on the swimming pool grounds where there are many activities, such as games, swimming, hot dogs, cold plates, and much more. As you can see Dildo is a very historic and traditional community."
Come on. Really?
Hummer, bummer
The blaring symbol of American indulgence is about to die. The Hummer, G.M.'s publicly available take on the military's Humvee will be no more.
The New York Times reports here: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/25/business/25hummer.html?hp
While its demise will be largely positive, as it will help out with this whole "global warming" thing, which means a long deserved relief from people whining so much -- "Oh no, the polar bears!", "Oh no, the penguins!", "Oh no, I'm sweaty!"-- it is very much not good for dudes everywhere with small penises.
Yes. There is a new crisis on hand. Men with zero taste, lots of money, and tiny wieners are about to find themselves in a very uncomfortable place, a place where they cannot easily dupe women with zero taste (also read: brains), mediocre looks, and little money into sexual relations by using the line "Heh...you ever give a hummer in a hummer?"
These men need some form of instant compensation for their cursed predicaments. The Hummer was a long-standing stopgap to prevent these men from going postal or becoming politicians. Now, we've got a quagmire that's about to blow up in our face if someone doesn't soon introduce a similar physical representation of overblown testosterone. And I don't mean this:
The New York Times reports here: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/25/business/25hummer.html?hp
While its demise will be largely positive, as it will help out with this whole "global warming" thing, which means a long deserved relief from people whining so much -- "Oh no, the polar bears!", "Oh no, the penguins!", "Oh no, I'm sweaty!"-- it is very much not good for dudes everywhere with small penises.
Yes. There is a new crisis on hand. Men with zero taste, lots of money, and tiny wieners are about to find themselves in a very uncomfortable place, a place where they cannot easily dupe women with zero taste (also read: brains), mediocre looks, and little money into sexual relations by using the line "Heh...you ever give a hummer in a hummer?"
These men need some form of instant compensation for their cursed predicaments. The Hummer was a long-standing stopgap to prevent these men from going postal or becoming politicians. Now, we've got a quagmire that's about to blow up in our face if someone doesn't soon introduce a similar physical representation of overblown testosterone. And I don't mean this:
Dick pants: not a viable replacement.
Scientists, go now. Invent feverishly. We do not want these man taking their frustrations out on the rest of us.
-aninconvenienttruth
Free Comedy of the Week: Missing Boner
So, like, you guys...
Obviously, missing person cases are no laughing matter, especially when the victim is a cute child or a celebrity. I mean, we wouldn't have television cop dramas devoted to them if they weren't serious. Really though, antics aside - it's not funny. I wouldn't want someone close to me to go missing. The lingering sadness of that very real mystery would be an awful thing to bear.
But... when the missing person just happened to play a character on Growing Pains named Boner... it's definitely kinda funny.
See this: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/02/21/andrew-koenig-missing-bon_n_470572.html
You just don't get to see the word boner in national headlines often enough, and though it may be in reference to a grave matter... I can't help laughing when I read about this.
Kirk Cameron had this to say:
"Mike and Boner could always work things out when they put their minds to it. I'm praying for you, pal. Hope to hear from you soon." (via People Magazine)
So maybe this is really insensitive and immature, but Mike needs his Boner back if his acting career is ever going to pull itself out of the trenches.
In some ways, we all need Boner back.
-insensitiveahole
Obviously, missing person cases are no laughing matter, especially when the victim is a cute child or a celebrity. I mean, we wouldn't have television cop dramas devoted to them if they weren't serious. Really though, antics aside - it's not funny. I wouldn't want someone close to me to go missing. The lingering sadness of that very real mystery would be an awful thing to bear.
But... when the missing person just happened to play a character on Growing Pains named Boner... it's definitely kinda funny.
See this: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/02/21/andrew-koenig-missing-bon_n_470572.html
You just don't get to see the word boner in national headlines often enough, and though it may be in reference to a grave matter... I can't help laughing when I read about this.
Kirk Cameron had this to say:
"Mike and Boner could always work things out when they put their minds to it. I'm praying for you, pal. Hope to hear from you soon." (via People Magazine)
So maybe this is really insensitive and immature, but Mike needs his Boner back if his acting career is ever going to pull itself out of the trenches.
In some ways, we all need Boner back.
-insensitiveahole
I mean, this is just cool. Futurtainment.
Neurosonics Live from Chris Cairns on Vimeo.
Not exactly sure how they pull this one off, but that is a megahot, sick jam, bro. Technology is the future. And children. Children are the future. Children who use technology are the future. Technology children are the future.
GAMEBOYS, BRO!
-kicksnarehead
Anthony Bourdain has NO RESERVATIONS about taking hallucinogens for the entertainment of his children
I hope the new season of No Reservations has Bourdain followed around by this crew. Want to democratize the Middle East, threaten them with a rye-humored chain smoker trailed by monstrous, chemically enlarged toys. This is what real freedom looks like.
Tootie doesn't fuck around... once she feels better.
(via Buzzfeed)
-bourdainhasballs
John Mayer is a musician, massive douche, and...STANDUP COMEDIAN?
It's well established that John Mayer hails from Doucheton, MO, but I am a bit surprised to find that he A) does standup and B) is somehow marginally funny. I mean, he's not legitimately, full-blown funny, and my body aches when I think that I may be compelled to enjoy anything he produces, but I'm hard pressed to say he's sub-Larry The Cable Guy status. Larry's got some things going for him, but none of them are humor. He's an even tempered, jovial fellow that regular folks can relate to -- I get it. What I don't get is why millions of people will pay $40 (a lot of money for Nebraskans) for a ticket to show up at a stadium to hear him talk for an hour about that time he got drunk at Universal Studios.
Anyway, this video. It doesn't compute either. Also, this isn't made apparent in the video, but this takes place on a cruise ship (because John Mayer doesn't want to tarnish his sterling music career on land).
-internationalwaters
Kirsten Dunst makes career choices for a living. Directed by McG!!!
McG, you will always have my respect. Not only because you've shortened your name from Joseph McGinty Nichol to the far classier brandfranchise of McG, which also sounds like the most badass McDonald's sandwich ever, but because you did this to this woman... perfectly explainable. People do this. Flawless.
THROW ON SOME FUCKIN' REAL JAMZ, BRO!
Kirsten Dunst & McG's 'Akihabara Majokko
by allbrice
Kirsten, you just became a de facto Japanese overlord. If you go back to Japan, you will inevitably be abducted and made to do these things permanently at the praise of millions. You're on timeout.
"Turning Japanese" is also not just offensive in its blatant stereotyping, but that aside, the song is a well-known hamfisted metaphor about the ol' whack n' splooge.
I really don't know what to make of this. It's like some surrealist tease for Japan's entire male population (who is oddly sexually fixated with the image of school girls and innocence, particularly of the animated sort). Kirsten has gone and made herself into the icon of desire for a nation.
On the flip side, this may just be the most lucrative international venture that McG or Kirsten Dunst will ever be a part of. And for that, it is tough to fault them. Creative integrity falls flat in the face of billionaire Japanese investors - and it's not like these two had a long way to the bottom before.
-spidertobymaguire
THROW ON SOME FUCKIN' REAL JAMZ, BRO!
Kirsten Dunst & McG's 'Akihabara Majokko
by allbrice
Kirsten, you just became a de facto Japanese overlord. If you go back to Japan, you will inevitably be abducted and made to do these things permanently at the praise of millions. You're on timeout.
"Turning Japanese" is also not just offensive in its blatant stereotyping, but that aside, the song is a well-known hamfisted metaphor about the ol' whack n' splooge.
I really don't know what to make of this. It's like some surrealist tease for Japan's entire male population (who is oddly sexually fixated with the image of school girls and innocence, particularly of the animated sort). Kirsten has gone and made herself into the icon of desire for a nation.
On the flip side, this may just be the most lucrative international venture that McG or Kirsten Dunst will ever be a part of. And for that, it is tough to fault them. Creative integrity falls flat in the face of billionaire Japanese investors - and it's not like these two had a long way to the bottom before.
-spidertobymaguire
A show DEFINITELY worth watching...
I know I'm behind the times in writing about this, but QUALITY:
http://www.tvokay.com/redir4.php?l=aHR0cDovL3ZpZGVvb25jbGljay5jb20vQ2FydG9vbnMvZXBpc29kZUV4dC5waHA/aWQ9MTEyJnNlYXNvbj0xJmVwaXNvZGU9MDQ=
http://www.tvokay.com/redir4.php?l=aHR0cDovL3ZpZGVvb25jbGljay5jb20vQ2FydG9vbnMvZXBpc29kZUV4dC5waHA/aWQ9MTEyJnNlYXNvbj0xJmVwaXNvZGU9MDQ=
Campbell's: Newest Entry in the Mind Control Business
The above photo is via The Wall Street Journal, and it is point-by-point breakdown of Campbell's soup's new can redesign, which was carefully crafted after intensive market research that scrutinized neurological and bodily reactions.
This qualifies as legitimate mind control, because people's thoughts on the product were broken down to such a level that the absolutely ideal label for today's generation was made. It is a very notable upgrade when you compare it to the old standard, and I have to be honest, the steam rising from the bowl does provoke a very visceral reaction. I'm actually hungry having looked at that picture, and I ate not that long ago.
This is just not fair. Obesity in America is never going to vanish (not that I had any real hope) if sub-healthy products continue to portray themselves in such glorious light. I know that marketing techniques like this are not really a new thing, but this just clarifies corporate America's ability to warp our insights into their products into something inescapably desirable. Just look at it... so... nice... warm... soft... delicious...
GIVE ME THE SOUP, SHIT-HEAD! I'LL STEAL YO' BABY!
Sorry, what just happened? Was I in a coma?
I've gotta get me some updated bowls.
I know it's time consuming, but peoplez gotta learn how to cook. Microwaves and frozen or canned foods are enablers, super-discounted one-way tickets to fatsville (Kevin Smith, you're not invited) - and when paired with 3 days worth of HBO On-Demand, slipping into a hydrogenated oil-soaked death bed never sounded so.... easy.
-nosoupforyou
That about sums it up.
This is how women are dealt with. The man in the pants is certainly very charismatic. The Penis is Bush. The Heart is Obama. And the Brain is not involved with politics.
Kel Mitchell (of Kenan's fame) is not an aborted corpse addicted to crack, despite popular belief. Instead, he's become this equally sad character.
Someone needs to save this man from himself. Kel had big dreams, like most child stars, but his seemed almost within reach. He even got a spin-off at the ripe age of 14.
I know that his comedic compatriot, Kenan, always had the stronger chops (as exemplified by his regular decent presence on the often decent SNL these days), but I didn't think this is what would be left of our pal. He's clinging to those days of old, and I can't be sure that "Orange Soda Boy" is going to be a real cartoon or just the looping fantasy of a man with nothing left.
That said, it appears, from further investigating his youtube page, that Kel was cast in a real movie that wasn't an animated remake of Goodburger featuring Mike, aka "The Burger Phantom". It seems the lad actually was a part of something with substance, acting alongside Danny Glover in "Honeydippers", which you can look up yourself. Point being: there's hope. Then again, his Wikipedia page reveals Kel is getting into the writer/producer game by launching a movie called "Chicago Pulaski Jones", which he will also star in. Yeah. It turns out he's also really good at naming movies.
Kel for President 2020.
-grapesodaman
Heroes have fear too. Heroes have fear too.
I love seeing these people interact on a regular, ol' (private, fancy) plane (jet) just being typical, simple, plain, normal (brilliant, hilarious, magnificent, made of god's laughter) Americans (one of 'em is).
Seriously, Louis's meltdown is priceless.
-spraypaintonafuckintit
Blackwater Hires Prostitutes As "Legitimate" Business Expense Using Government Coin -- Elliot Spitzer Absolved
These are parts of a real news story in the Washington Post:
"Two former employees of Blackwater Worldwide have accused the private security contractor of defrauding the government for years with phony billing, including charging for a prostitute, alcohol and spa trips."
"The Davises assert that Blackwater officials kept a Filipino prostitute on the company payroll for a State Department contract in Afghanistan, and billed the government for her time working for Blackwater male employees in Kabul. The alleged prostitute's salary was categorized as part of the company's "Morale Welfare Recreation" expenses"
More here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/02/11/AR2010021100232.html?hpid=topnews
RULES NO LONGER EXIST. If a government contracted company (no less, one paid to fight in a war we actually want no part of) can legitimize having a Filipino hooker on staff, then we are now able to do whatever the fuck we want. End of story.
If this is let slide, the future business I intend to run is going to have a whole host of things devoted to "Morale Welfare Recreation". In fact, I might go as far as to have 50% of my staff be Filipino whores. Have you seen what they can do with ping pong balls?! Otherworldly.
Furthermore, when half your staff is hookers and their job is simply to satisfy the rest of the staff, you'll never have morale issues on hand, you'll never lose a good male employee to a better paying situation (because men will take a solid beej over a fistfull of cash 99% of the time), and you'll never have to deal with sexual harassment lawsuits ever again! World, you may now rejoice!
Okay, so it puts all women out of a job unless they attempt to compete, but that sounds pretty righteous too.
Okay, so as not to be entirely prejudiced, maybe we'll offer Chip n'dales dancers for the ladies.
What a happy company it could be--
"Two former employees of Blackwater Worldwide have accused the private security contractor of defrauding the government for years with phony billing, including charging for a prostitute, alcohol and spa trips."
"The Davises assert that Blackwater officials kept a Filipino prostitute on the company payroll for a State Department contract in Afghanistan, and billed the government for her time working for Blackwater male employees in Kabul. The alleged prostitute's salary was categorized as part of the company's "Morale Welfare Recreation" expenses"
More here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/02/11/AR2010021100232.html?hpid=topnews
RULES NO LONGER EXIST. If a government contracted company (no less, one paid to fight in a war we actually want no part of) can legitimize having a Filipino hooker on staff, then we are now able to do whatever the fuck we want. End of story.
If this is let slide, the future business I intend to run is going to have a whole host of things devoted to "Morale Welfare Recreation". In fact, I might go as far as to have 50% of my staff be Filipino whores. Have you seen what they can do with ping pong balls?! Otherworldly.
Furthermore, when half your staff is hookers and their job is simply to satisfy the rest of the staff, you'll never have morale issues on hand, you'll never lose a good male employee to a better paying situation (because men will take a solid beej over a fistfull of cash 99% of the time), and you'll never have to deal with sexual harassment lawsuits ever again! World, you may now rejoice!
Okay, so it puts all women out of a job unless they attempt to compete, but that sounds pretty righteous too.
Okay, so as not to be entirely prejudiced, maybe we'll offer Chip n'dales dancers for the ladies.
What a happy company it could be--
The wait is over. SHARK v. KILLER WHALE: The Real Super Bowl
I knew this was possible, but no one had ever documented it until now. Personally, I think this is irrefutable evidence that the dawn of next-squared generation entertainment is upon us. The time has come to breed Great Whites and Orcas, mount weapons on their dorsal fins (including but not limited to: circular saws, harpoons, and spring-loaded boxing gloves) and let them extreme duel as mother nature intended. Of course, this spectacle must not go without the orchestration of out-of-this-world laser light shows, John Williams conducting the London Philharmonic on a stage alongside a newly constructed super-reinforced megatank placed inside THE HYPERDOME (seats 2 miilion), which of course is located in the heart of Times Square. For those who can't get their seaworthy bloodthirst live, sixty camera coverage (including POVs of the combatants) of non-stop access and analysis will be featured on a 24-hour, dedicated, pay-per-view television network called H2Ownd.
This will likely eliminate AIDS, Global Warming, and ugly with the tremendous awesomevibes it will emit throughout the galaxy.
The future is now.
-welcometopwntown
LOST SPOILER: MAGIC TURTLE WITCH SCIENCE REWIND
Actual creative process.
-fullofshittelevision
(via Olde English)
Religion made simple
Hebbo.
Robert Popper and Peter Serafinowicz make me want to talk to octopi. Why have a savior with 4 limbs, when you can have one with 8? No brainer.
-itssoeasytojoin
Say Hebbo! from Torvakian on Vimeo.
Robert Popper and Peter Serafinowicz make me want to talk to octopi. Why have a savior with 4 limbs, when you can have one with 8? No brainer.
-itssoeasytojoin
Take note, everyone. If you want to promote anything, ever, use the people who made this:
Alaska Nanooks 2010 Hockey Intro from Szymon Weglarski on Vimeo.
You can replace that Polar Bear with any other mascot, and I will immediately support/buy/sell my soul to whatever cause it represents. Insert the Burger King, Lucky the Leprechaun, or Newt Gingrich - I don't give a damn. You show me them overgrown, chopping boats in half with a hockey stick forged from lightning, and bombing the shit out of a volcano... you've found yourself a lifetime fan. I fucking HATE everything that Sarah Palin represents, but if she contracts these people for a campaign ad in 2012, my right brain's auto-response to awesomeness might just force me to pull the wrong switch.
Condiment Compliment
Heinz is about to erase the miseries of THE WORLD when it comes to opening packets of their ketchup. Rather than those little plastic and foil pain in my assneck baggies, the company has decided to convert to this:
This new-fangled whoozy (called the Dip & Squeeze, also a racy dance move from the '20s) allows you to either dip your chickin balls for quick, handheld, masturbatory chow, or you can squirt out your sauce via the tearable top directly onto your horse intestine sandwich. Super.
The big thing for me here is... WHY NOW?!
People have been frustrated for eons with the former packaging. It's been going on so long, it seemed to be a running practical joke on the populous.
Heinz is a company run by John Kerry's wife that owns the New England Patriots - I think. They are wealthy and established enough to fund whole presidential campaigns while still taking in a game or two of the professional sports team that THEY FUCKING RUN. Clearly, baller ketchup status.
They have a monopoly that will never be cracked. Ever. Unless there's a run of avian death flu that sweeps through their factories and kills off more than 500 people nationwide, people will never switch to Hunt's. Never. Ever. Hunt's is for broke-ass dickmunchers or people who really hate the Patriots. Only.
Again, I ask, why now?
Even if the old packets were Satan's spawn placed on this earth to really hurt the tips of your fingers after your nails have been freshly cropped, why go out of your way to innovate now when NO ONE is going to turn the other way suddenly and convert to broke-ass dickmuncher status? I know you probably had a lot of capital floating around, and your R & D department has probably been circle jerking themselves into oblivion for the last 60 years, but you really didn't have to do this.
But, since you did, I guess I owe you some thanks. I assume this will be the packet passed on to mustard, mayo, relish and the rest of your fine dippables. So, way to make our lives easier, I guess.
This definitely seems like the kind of thing I could become grumpy about as an old man, though. Something to get up in arms about. When I see kids freely squirting Heinz chipotle mayo on their holographic nebulafries, I could see myself activating my robolegs and shouting "YOU DON'T KNOW THE HALF OF IT!" and then quickly retiring to hypersleep.
Whatever.
This new-fangled whoozy (called the Dip & Squeeze, also a racy dance move from the '20s) allows you to either dip your chickin balls for quick, handheld, masturbatory chow, or you can squirt out your sauce via the tearable top directly onto your horse intestine sandwich. Super.
The big thing for me here is... WHY NOW?!
People have been frustrated for eons with the former packaging. It's been going on so long, it seemed to be a running practical joke on the populous.
Heinz is a company run by John Kerry's wife that owns the New England Patriots - I think. They are wealthy and established enough to fund whole presidential campaigns while still taking in a game or two of the professional sports team that THEY FUCKING RUN. Clearly, baller ketchup status.
They have a monopoly that will never be cracked. Ever. Unless there's a run of avian death flu that sweeps through their factories and kills off more than 500 people nationwide, people will never switch to Hunt's. Never. Ever. Hunt's is for broke-ass dickmunchers or people who really hate the Patriots. Only.
Again, I ask, why now?
Even if the old packets were Satan's spawn placed on this earth to really hurt the tips of your fingers after your nails have been freshly cropped, why go out of your way to innovate now when NO ONE is going to turn the other way suddenly and convert to broke-ass dickmuncher status? I know you probably had a lot of capital floating around, and your R & D department has probably been circle jerking themselves into oblivion for the last 60 years, but you really didn't have to do this.
But, since you did, I guess I owe you some thanks. I assume this will be the packet passed on to mustard, mayo, relish and the rest of your fine dippables. So, way to make our lives easier, I guess.
This definitely seems like the kind of thing I could become grumpy about as an old man, though. Something to get up in arms about. When I see kids freely squirting Heinz chipotle mayo on their holographic nebulafries, I could see myself activating my robolegs and shouting "YOU DON'T KNOW THE HALF OF IT!" and then quickly retiring to hypersleep.
Whatever.
Domesticate more animals, scientists
With technology, bioengineering, and gambling being at the epic heights they are, I'm fairly certain we could have progressed much further than we have in the pets category. We've been pretty friggin' limited in the western world with our dogs, cats, hamsters, and goldfish, and it seems to me that there are leaps and bounds to be made here. I mean, at one point, dogs were outtacontrol wild too, biting the children's hands off and whatnot, but now we've got them leashed up and begging for bacon and sausages that are not even REAL. Hell, we've even got them dressed up in trenchcoats doing anti-crime PSAs.
And cats just suck all the time. God cats suck.
Furthermore, I've read news stories about domesticated leopards and ponies and pigs and shit, and I'm sure we've got the genetics and robots to make this a reality. Also, once you fully domesticate the beasts, they become priceless items of society, irreplaceable gems in our family crowns, provided that they're cute, non-violent, and not shitting on everything you own and cherish. This last quality is the hardest to come by. I know humans that can't resist this temptation. Namely me.
Here's the thing. We can do a little two-birds-one-stone bit here by saving endangered animals - not that I really care. But if people want these currently scarce creatures in their homes, and they become a commodity, then they're certain to return to plentiful abundance. GREAT!
I've skimmed the official list of endangered animals. Here's a list of some animals we can take to the next level by making them sit, stay, and rollover:
The Alligator Snapping Turtle:
The Malgasy Giant Jumping Rat:
And... The Whitehead's Trogon:
Those are all real animal names. I probably could have done better with the image selection. And the animal selection. But you get the point.
Man up, families of America. Get yourself a fucking Trogon already. You're slowly killing them with your unending love of puppies. Or cats, but I'll never understand that one.
-giantsnappingtrogon
And cats just suck all the time. God cats suck.
Furthermore, I've read news stories about domesticated leopards and ponies and pigs and shit, and I'm sure we've got the genetics and robots to make this a reality. Also, once you fully domesticate the beasts, they become priceless items of society, irreplaceable gems in our family crowns, provided that they're cute, non-violent, and not shitting on everything you own and cherish. This last quality is the hardest to come by. I know humans that can't resist this temptation. Namely me.
Here's the thing. We can do a little two-birds-one-stone bit here by saving endangered animals - not that I really care. But if people want these currently scarce creatures in their homes, and they become a commodity, then they're certain to return to plentiful abundance. GREAT!
I've skimmed the official list of endangered animals. Here's a list of some animals we can take to the next level by making them sit, stay, and rollover:
The Alligator Snapping Turtle:
The Malgasy Giant Jumping Rat:
And... The Whitehead's Trogon:
Those are all real animal names. I probably could have done better with the image selection. And the animal selection. But you get the point.
Man up, families of America. Get yourself a fucking Trogon already. You're slowly killing them with your unending love of puppies. Or cats, but I'll never understand that one.
-giantsnappingtrogon
That's the ticket. AVATAR in 1D.
Cynical, murderous old men know best. Guy knows a thingertwo bout a thingertwo.
-prettysexycatman
Oh mah God! It's the energy drinks! The terrorists have been poisoning America with these shits for like eva'. That's totally unbelievable!
From Travolta with Rockets looks like this year's Juno.
-Doc Subtlety
BREAKING NEWS: McDonald's Now Conversational Poon Magnet!
The following is a new commercial McDonald's has been running:
If you're an average Joe, and let's face it, 95% of us are just like Mark Olson - vaguely Jewish, incapable of speaking eloquently to beautiful women unless it's about how windy it's going to be today, regular old, laundry-doin', folksy, upper-lower-middle class urbanites - then all you've gotta do to engage the new hotness in 3C or 4F or 7@ or the haybarn...is talk about the new Breakfast Dollar Menu at McDonald's. (Obvz!!) Talking about your life's passions, successes, interesting ongoings, emotions, cultural interests, her smashing looks, or anything you might have in common doesn't get you jack in today's Farmville-obsessed society. Priorities have changed. Black people have nukes in their Sean John brand Oval Office blunt spinners. iPads have forever altered the way we see the letter i. Chicks dig fast food breakfast burritos.
And once you get on the topic of the Breakfast Dollar Menu, it's an out-of-control freight train to sensuality town. You'll talk Sausage McMuffins, Egg McMuffins, Hashbrowns, "Premium Roast" Coughee, and fucking McGriddles, and when it's all said and done, you'll even get to choose the elevator muzak you've always wanted as your new romantic couple tune. And nothing screams bangville more than Kenny G holding a McMuffin in his teeth.
If you're an average Joe, and let's face it, 95% of us are just like Mark Olson - vaguely Jewish, incapable of speaking eloquently to beautiful women unless it's about how windy it's going to be today, regular old, laundry-doin', folksy, upper-lower-middle class urbanites - then all you've gotta do to engage the new hotness in 3C or 4F or 7@ or the haybarn...is talk about the new Breakfast Dollar Menu at McDonald's. (Obvz!!) Talking about your life's passions, successes, interesting ongoings, emotions, cultural interests, her smashing looks, or anything you might have in common doesn't get you jack in today's Farmville-obsessed society. Priorities have changed. Black people have nukes in their Sean John brand Oval Office blunt spinners. iPads have forever altered the way we see the letter i. Chicks dig fast food breakfast burritos.
And once you get on the topic of the Breakfast Dollar Menu, it's an out-of-control freight train to sensuality town. You'll talk Sausage McMuffins, Egg McMuffins, Hashbrowns, "Premium Roast" Coughee, and fucking McGriddles, and when it's all said and done, you'll even get to choose the elevator muzak you've always wanted as your new romantic couple tune. And nothing screams bangville more than Kenny G holding a McMuffin in his teeth.
A Documentary on Tubes and Overacting
The '90s was a place where Tobias Funke made learning adventures.
-pppconnection
(via Everything is Terrible, again)
In history, things like this happened.
I know that kids interpret entertainment differently than adults, and that when they see babies like themselves singing, they'll be more likely to join in, and I'm sure who ever produced this insanity probably had the best intentions, but the question still remains: WHAT THE FUCKING WHAT WHAT?! Someone give me some saltines. Seasick from hyperreality vortex acceleration.
(via Everything is Terrible)
-suckonmyjagon
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